3rd ampuversary - toughest one yet
I’m sat here in my car overlooking Porthtowan. I needed to get out as it’s fair to say the feelings I’ve had today have been overwhelming.
Usually I can put my situation to the back of my mind, but on the eve of my third ampuversary I’ve not been able to think about much else other than what I have lost and the effect this has had on my family.
I can look back over the past few years and see some positives. I’ve had many adventures since losing my feet - but I can’t help thinking what could’ve been. I‘d give anything to go back to being “me” and lose the inconvenience and the anger.
It‘s so hard not to feel selfish. It’s so hard not to feel sorry for myself.
I’m not sure why I feel so low this year. I think it may be that we had a family trip to the Aquarium yesterday. The aquarium is the first place I went out in public with my family after losing my legs and before I had prosthetics. Going back there really brought back the horrific side of what I went through. When I woke up this morning I could have quite easily stayed in bed all day - but I got up and tried to function as usual - but just haven’t really coped.
A drive to the beach to just sit there helped a little - but I still don’t feel in the moment. For a while I’ve felt like a passenger on a journey that I have no control over. I am not sure where I am going next…
Normal service will resume I’m sure - but I still feel unfairly done by. I want to be anonymous. I want not to be selfish - yet I’ve been dealt this hand of cards.
Theres a real disconnect - wanting to have attention and pity yet not wanting it as well. It’s very difficult to describe. It’s also very difficult to protect my nearest and dearest from these feelings.
I’m not sure I’ll ever figure this aspect out. I just hope that people can put up with the occasional mood swing and self pity.
I just wish they’d grow back!