Downs as well as ups

It’s fair to say that I’ve had a rough few weeks. I’m not sure if it’s the fact that I recently had my 1 year ampuversary, whether the COVID situation is getting to me or something completely different. I try to stay upbeat as much as possible. I try to push myself... but I am increasingly getting tired.

I went to the beach with the kids a few days ago. Evie, my 10 year old daughter, took her shoes off and went paddling in the sea. It started me off thinking about the sensation of sand between my toes and the cold of the sea on my feet. Sensations I will never have again. I then spiralled downwards thinking about things. I got fixated on the thought “I don’t have any toes!” This thought just kept going around and around... no toes... no soles... no heels... no ankles... It was quite overwhelming.

I just miss my feet so much. I was never in love with them. To be honest I never really thought about them. They weren’t the best feet, they weren’t exactly pretty - but good god do I miss them! They were definitely useful and were certainly better than my robot feet.

So I’ve decided to indulge my sadness. I’m allowing myself to have a miserable few days. I am angry. Life is unfair. Maybe I’ve pushed these feelings down too much? Maybe I’m paying the price of denial? Who knows?

I’ve now decided to see a psychologist. I’m not sure there’s anything wrong with me. I think my reaction is predictable and understandable - but I dont want to sink any further.

I will keep you posted!